As a political junkie who enjoys a good whiskey, perhaps it was inevitable that I’d see a few parallels. Both bourbons and the 2020 Presidential candidates appeal to different people for different reasons and they share some remarkably similar characteristics. The pairings below are mine, but many of the notes paraphrase actual published reviews.
- Joe Biden: Pappy Van Winkle. The favorite bourbon in most polls. While it is an exceptional bourbon, its current popularity is at least partially due to relentless media attention.
- Bernie Sanders: Old Crow. The bourbon that alcoholics drink. It’s been around forever and was a favorite of Ulysses S. Grant (who went to school with Sanders).
- Elizabeth Warren: Four Roses. A favorite of bourbon aficionados. To the casual drinker, though, it’s pretty rough with zero subtlety. It’s not a bourbon that will win over many beer drinkers.
- Pete Buttigieg: Angel’s Envy. A young but notable bourbon. It has great marketing and demonstrates some bite without bitterness. However, it’s a tad light, it lacks a strong finish, and it’s seldom anyone’s first choice.
- Amy Klobuchar: Baker’s. A solid bourbon. It’s good, but it’s just not stunning.
- Kamala Harris: Alibi. A blended whiskey. Not bad at all, but it has a bit of a medicinal quality and is best used in a cocktail.
- Kirsten Gillibrand: Bulleit. A respectable utility bourbon. It’s just not unique enough to stand out in a crowd.
- Cory Booker: Wild Turkey. A serviceable bourbon. It tries just a bit too hard to be more than it is. [For obvious reasons, I really wanted to use Booker’s bourbon here. Unfortunately, that bourbon is considerably better than the candidate.]
- Beto O’Rourke: Balcones. A young, brash whiskey from Texas. It benefited from some great press, but it’s still not a player on the national scene. With strong notes of vanilla and a sour finish, it’s kind of old news even in Texas.
- Julian Castro: Southern Comfort. People think it’s a whiskey but it’s really not. It’s an explicit ingredient in a Scarlett O’Hara cocktail and you can thus insert your own “Gone with the Wind” pun here.
- Bill de Blasio: Kentucky Tavern. The bourbon you buy for the party you don’t want to attend. People know it, but no one likes it.
- Bennett, Bullock, Hickenlooper, Inslee: Wyoming Whiskey. A whiskey with an identity problem. While it’s locally popular and actually decent, it’s very hard to find and is largely unknown outside of its home state.
- Delaney, Gabbard, Gravel, Ryan, Swalwell, Yang: Ezra Brooks. A whiskey with the finish of cardboard. Very few have heard of it; those who have aren’t fans.
- Howard Schultz: Bourbon Barrel Coffee. Made from coffee beans aged in bourbon barrels. Not bourbon. Not alcohol. Not even good coffee.
- Donald Trump: Rebel Yell. The poster child of bottom-shelf bourbons. However, it does have quite a few rabid, coprophagous fans.
I propose that a Bourbon Primary be held during each of the upcoming debates. Blind votes would be cast on the participating whiskeys above to see which corresponding candidate wins. It would easily be as accurate as any current 2020 poll and it could make the debates a whole lot more fun. Best of all, if a preferred candidate doesn’t win, no one will give a damn.