An open letter to the Democratic Presidential Candidates:
Congratulations! Your stellar debate performances were just what the voters needed. You perfectly set the tone for the Democratic primary season.
You enlightened the general populace on numerous important issues of our time and reminded everyone why you should be elected in 2020. Your serious preparation for the debate was quite obvious. Voters now have a crystal clear understanding of Democratic priorities and of the absolute need to deny Trump a second term.
You ever so wisely chose to ignore Ronald Reagan’s dated “Eleventh Commandment” to not speak ill of members of your own party. You realized that your campaign is the only thing that matters and that you are the only Democrat who could possibly defeat Trump. However, on the off chance that you don’t win the nomination, it’s not a big deal. No one is recording what you say to use it later against the eventual Democratic nominee.
At the very least, you are successfully elevating your profile for future campaigns, raising your asking price for speaking engagements, and/or increasing your book sales. Good for you! It’s not like this election really matters, anyway.
To those of you who are playing the race card against your fellow Democrats: Wow. What a brilliant move. Trump’s policies are much better than those of your current opponents and Trump would certainly do more than anyone other than you to protect the rights of minorities.
To those of you who are older than average: You are actually quite good at getting a whole lot of people off your lawn. You are countering the stereotype of the elder politician by showing yourself to be vital and engaged with a wry, self-deprecating sense of humor. You have calmly parried the jabs that everyone knew were coming. You don’t seem tired or irritated or out of touch. Not at all.
To those of you who are less old: You have rightly assumed that cockiness and arrogance are the qualities that will work best to attract swing voters. Clever how you’re focusing on issues that the older candidates faced in the ’70s. School busing is the perfect cornerstone issue for your campaign. The old folks can’t exactly ask why you weren’t front and center on that issue when you were in the third grade, now can they?
To those of you who have struggled to get traction: Your fortune-cookie soundbites don’t sound at all rehearsed. Best of all, your use of Spanish purely to impress voters perfectly channels the guys who speak Klingon to impress girls. That always works!
For those of you who are hardcore progressives: Sure, your calls to spend truckloads of money we don’t have on every social program imaginable might not play well in ten years – you know, when a quarter of the U.S. budget will be dedicated to paying the interest on our national debt. You’re just doing what you need to do now to win. Ten years is enough time to get you through two terms and your grandchildren will understand.
From a political standpoint, you are each proving how fully you comprehend the details of the Electoral College. You are largely ignoring the concerns of voters in swing states since you don’t really need them. Your laser-focus on winning the Democratic nomination is certainly the correct approach and the sole strategy for now must be to pander to your base. Sure, you won’t get any additional Electoral votes by padding your margins in those states where Democrats were going to win anyway. However, that padding might help you win the popular vote even if you lose the Electoral College. As we proved in 2016, a moral victory is just as significant as a real one!
As a group, y’all are doing a fine job and I am so looking forward to the next debate. Who doesn’t like a circus?